When she came to me, she was filled with anger and disappointment.
In her description, marriage was a battlefield that required constant defense. The spear was pointed directly at her husband and her mother-in-law, who often “intervened” in their lives. She couldn’t understand why the home that was supposed to be a safe harbor had become a vortex that drained her energy.
However, as we dived together into the deep river of memory, a more hidden script emerged. We saw that similar family conflicts had been repeatedly staged in her life’s blueprint.
But more important than seeing the “past” was that she finally saw the “present” clearly—
What truly trapped her was not anyone, but the harsh judge within her heart that demanded “everything must be perfect.”
- Her disappointment in her husband stemmed from the expectation that “he should understand me.”
- Her anger toward her mother-in-law came from the rule that “she should respect boundaries.”
- Her harshness toward herself originated from the obsession that “I should be able to handle everything.”
For her, life was like a bowstring stretched to its limit, full of “shoulds” and “musts,” but devoid of “joy” and “permission.”
Reading this, do you see a familiar shadow? That tired self who always says, “It should have been this way”?
The Spiritual Traps Behind “High Expectations”
Why does a desire for excellence ultimately push us to the brink of despair?
Because, much of the time, behind that “high expectation” lies a harsh inner contract we haven’t noticed: “conditional self-worth”.
This contract whispers to us: “Only when I achieve ____ am I worthy of love, and only then do I deserve to relax and be happy.”
And the threshold for that “achievement” takes two extremely deceptive forms. It can be the perfectionism of chasing a perfect 100, or it can be the self-negation of “not even being able to reach the 60-point passing line.” The core of the problem has never been the standard itself, but the rigid way we bind our self-worth to “meeting the standard.”
Once we sign this contract, we fall into the following interconnected spiritual traps.
Trap 1: The Malfunctioning Scale—From “Must Be Perfect” to “Should Not Fail”
This trap has two faces, but their root is the same.
The first face is the “Illusion of Perfection.” You are not chasing a specific goal, but the abstract horizon of “perfection.” When you score 80, the inner judge immediately tells you, “Why not 90?” When you give your all to reach 90, it asks again, “A true winner should get 100.” In this endless chase, all you reap is the chronic anxiety of never being “good enough.”
The second face is more hidden and painful: the “Despair of the Minimum Standard.” You tell yourself, “I’m not trying to be excellent; my expectations are already very low.” For example, “I just need to finish one task today,” or “I just need to control my temper with my family today.”
However, when you fail to meet even this self-proclaimed “minimum standard,” the self-attack becomes far more violent and thorough. It’s no longer “I failed to be excellent,” but “I can’t even do the most basic thing; I am a complete failure.” This feeling can directly destroy a person’s fundamental confidence, making them feel “hopeless.”
Whether the scale points to 100 or 60, the “scale” itself has malfunctioned. It turns the fluid experience of life into a cruel test with only two outcomes: “pass” or “fail.”
Trap 2: The Tyranny of the Outcome—A Complete Negation of the Process
In this mode, all the effort and sweat put into the process can be instantly wiped out by an imperfect result.
It’s like you’ve meticulously built a castle with 100 blocks, pouring countless hours of effort into it. But just because the last block was placed slightly crooked, you tear down the entire castle and tell yourself, “See, I’m a failure.”
You ignore the 99 steps of focus, creativity, and persistence, defining the entire experience by the flaw in the final step. This “winner-take-all” mentality prevents you from drawing nourishment and strength from the process, turning every attempt into a high-stakes trial.
Trap 3: The Uninternalized Achievement—“It’s What I Was Supposed to Do”
Even if you do achieve that demanding goal, what happens?
A wild celebration? A heartfelt sense of joy? Probably not.
More often, you feel a brief moment of relief, as if you’ve merely completed a task that was “expected” of you. The inner voice quickly chimes in: “This is nothing to be proud of; it’s what you should have done.” Or even, “I just got lucky.”
Joy and a sense of accomplishment become like expired tickets, void the moment you reach your destination. You are unable to internalize them as nourishing strength, and instead, you immediately turn your gaze to the next, higher peak, embarking once more on a weary journey.
Trap 4: The Silent Energy Drain—From Tense to Exhausted
When the above three traps operate in a cycle, they form a “closed loop of mental friction.”
Your life energy is no longer used for experiencing, creating, and feeling love, but is massively consumed by “judgment and blame,” “anxiety about the future,” and “regret for the past.”
You are like that bowstring stretched to its limit, constantly in a state of combat readiness, unable to truly relax. Over time, this string won’t break with a dramatic “snap,” but will slowly lose its elasticity, becoming numb, fragile, and eventually, losing interest in everything.
This is the complete path from “high expectations” to “depression” and “despair.” It is a magnificent prison we build for ourselves with our own hands.
So, how do we escape this prison? Is it by giving up and choosing to “lie flat”? No, the answer is far gentler and more powerful. It begins with a tiny yet revolutionary shift.
Why Does Change Have to Start with Something “Small”?
When someone is deep in a mire, our instinctive reaction is often to hand them a thick rope and tell them to pull themselves up.
So, when faced with the trap of “high expectations,” the most direct advice seems to be: “You need to learn to relax!” “You need to lower your standards!” “You need to accept your imperfect self!”
But for a person in the thick of it, this advice is often ineffective and can even cause secondary harm. Why?
Because for someone accustomed to “target-oriented thinking,” any advice is automatically translated into a new, high-difficulty “task” that needs to be completed.
- “Learn to relax” becomes “I must achieve a state of complete relaxation, otherwise I’m a failure who can’t even learn to relax.”
- “Lower your standards” becomes “I should be a broad-minded person who doesn’t care about details, but why am I still so fussy?”
- “Accepting imperfection” itself becomes the most unattainable and “perfect” ideal state.
You see, we are trying to use the logic of the old system to fix the problems of the old system itself. It’s like asking a harsh judge to rule on his own “harshness”—the result will only be more self-conviction. Direct confrontation only makes the inner fortress named “high expectations” defend itself more rigidly.
True change never happens through a frontal assault but begins with infiltration from the flanks.
So, my suggestion is: forget about that sturdy fortress for now. We won’t tear it down, nor will we curse it. We will simply, right beside it, cultivate a small garden of our own.
And the seemingly tiny act of “keeping a diary” is the first seed we plant in this new garden. The logic behind this is far more profound than you might think:
1. Bypassing the Defenses: A “Secret Operation” Unnoticed by the “Judge”
Your inner “harsh judge” has a very powerful radar system that specifically scans for “important” matters related to “success or failure.” But it’s not interested in small things.
- “Didn’t finish today’s work goals?”—Alarm bells ring!
- “Another unpleasant conversation with your partner?”—Alarm bells ring!
- “But… I had a delicious cup of coffee?”—“Huh? What’s that? Not worth mentioning.”
The act of “keeping a diary,” especially one that records trivial “small blessings” and “small breakthroughs,” is perfect for bypassing your internal defense system because it’s “small” enough. It’s so insignificant that your “judge” can’t even be bothered to critique it.
This creates a precious “safe practice zone” for you. Here, there are no standards, no KPIs, no success or failure—only simple observation and recording.
2. Resetting the Focus: From “What I Lack” to “What I Have”
The essence of the “high expectations” mode is a “scarcity perspective.” Your attention is always focused on the “parts not done well,” the “missing pieces,” and the “imperfect aspects.” You’re like an inspector who only sees the stains on a white shirt.
Keeping a diary, especially with the intention of recording “small blessings” and “small breakthroughs,” is a conscious exercise in resetting your focus.
It forces you to shift your gaze from the “stains on the white shirt” to see “how white the shirt itself is.” You are not creating new happiness; you are practicing “seeing” the happiness that has always been there but was ignored. You are not inventing accomplishments out of thin air; you are learning to “acknowledge” the efforts that have always been there but were devalued.
It’s like being in a dark room. Instead of obsessing over dispelling all the darkness, you choose to strike a match and focus your attention on this small flame.
3. Injecting New Energy: From “Automatic Attack” to “Deliberate Gentleness”
In the old pattern, the flow of energy is automatic.
As soon as a mistake is made or an expectation is not met, the floodgates of self-attack open instantly. A torrent of guilt, anxiety, and regret pours out, providing endless fuel for the machine called “high expectations,” allowing it to roar and crush our hearts.
Keeping a diary, especially recording how we respond to these moments, is like placing a “deliberate pause button” on this automated highway.
This pause creates an incredibly valuable gap. In this gap, for the first time, we have the opportunity to choose a new path—not an automatic attack, but a conscious act of comfort.
When you write down:
“I said the wrong thing in a meeting today and felt so embarrassed. Just as the habitual replaying and self-blame were about to start, I caught the thought. I told myself: ‘Stop. It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes. This mistake doesn’t define me.’ I was proud of myself for this small ‘pause’ and ‘turn’.”
See the real miracle happening here: you are replacing an “unconscious attack” with a “conscious comfort”.
You are not denying the mistake, nor are you forcing yourself to be happy. You are simply choosing the path to gentleness instead of harshness at that critical fork in the road. You are personally cutting off the fuel supply to the old machine while watering the new garden of self-compassion with its first drop.
This new energy comes not only from a gentle response to mistakes but also from the active observation of ordinary beauty. When you record, “The afternoon sun was warm, and I felt so calm in that moment,” you are also injecting energy into the new system—an energy called “presence” and “gratitude.” Though silent, it powerfully tells the old system: “Look, besides finding problems, my heart has more important and beautiful things to do.”
Every such record is a declaration: I choose to stop feeding criticism, and I choose to start nourishing myself.
This new, gentle energy will slowly and irreversibly soften that hard ground, allowing true change to take root and sprout.
How to Cultivate Your Inner Garden
Now, let’s turn theory into a gentle daily ritual.
The core of this ritual is not to get you to “do better,” but to get you to “see more.” It doesn’t require immense willpower, only a few minutes each day, a little curiosity to look back and see.
We’ll call this practice: the “My Small Breakthroughs & Small Blessings” diary.
Prepare a notebook and pen you like, or create a dedicated document on your phone or computer. Then, every day (or whenever you feel the need), try to write down content in two categories:
Column One: My Small Breakthroughs
A “breakthrough” here doesn’t mean you accomplished something monumental. It’s about recording those inner moments when you successfully “paused” and “redirected.”
It’s a small but successful act of “non-violent resistance” against your old “automatic attack” mode.
You can ask yourself:
- “When did I catch myself thinking a harsh thought about myself today?”
- “In that moment, did I try to respond to myself in a way that was even a little bit gentler?”
- “Did I allow myself to rest instead of forcing myself to keep going?”
- “Did I gather the courage to express a small need or set a small boundary?”
Example entries:
“I made a mistake in the project report, and my first reaction was ‘I’m so useless.’ But I caught that thought and told myself: ‘It’s okay, it’s just one mistake. I can do better next time.’ I didn’t let the self-blame spiral for the whole afternoon.”
“I was exhausted at night but still wanted to finish the remaining chores. I stopped and told myself: ‘Rest is more important than a spotless house.’ Then I went and soaked my feet.”
“I wanted to decline a request I didn’t want to do but was afraid of disappointing the other person. I finally sent a polite text to say no. I was nervous, but I felt a little bit of strength for having said ‘no’.”
Key Point: The focus of this column is to praise your effort in changing your inner patterns, regardless of the outcome. The mere act of “noticing” and “trying to pause” is a 100-point breakthrough.
Column Two: My Small Blessings
This column is for training our ability to “see.” It’s dedicated to recording the beautiful things that happen naturally, without effort, no matter how trivial they may seem.
It’s a reminder that happiness and satisfaction don’t always come from “achieving,” but more often from “feeling.”
You can ask yourself:
- “What pleased my senses today? (e.g., beautiful music, the aroma of food, warm sunlight)”
- “Was there a moment when I felt a brief sense of peace, relaxation, or joy?”
- “Was there a small act of kindness from others? (e.g., a smile, a ‘thank you’)”
Example entries:
“On the way home from work, the colors of the sunset were especially beautiful. I stopped to watch for a few minutes.”
“The coffee I made today was particularly fragrant. The first sip felt like it woke up my whole body.”
“I heard an old song I hadn’t listened to in a long time during my lunch break, and my mood instantly lifted.”
“The cashier at the convenience store smiled at me, and it felt very warm.”
Key Point: The focus of this column is to anchor your attention on the good things you “already have.” It’s like forcibly inserting a piece of “abundant” evidence into your “scarcity perspective.”
The Most Important Mental Contract: The Four Golden Rules
As you begin this practice, please make a mental contract with yourself to prevent this exercise from becoming a new source of pressure:
Rule 1: Allow for “Blank Space.”
If you can’t think of anything on a particular day, that’s perfectly fine. Don’t force it, and certainly don’t blame yourself for it. The mere act of “I tried to look today but couldn’t find anything” is the practice itself. You can even write: “Today, I’m allowing myself not to write anything.” This in itself is a huge “small breakthrough.”
Rule 2: Quality Over Quantity.
You don’t need to fill a whole page. Even one entry per day is enough, as long as it’s sincere. One heartfelt record is better than ten fabricated ones written just to complete a task.
Rule 3: Capture the Feeling, Not the Fact.
The point is not to record “what happened,” but “how it made you feel.” “I drank a glass of water” is a fact; “Drinking a glass of cool water when I was thirsty felt like every cell in my body was unfolding” is a feeling. The latter is what truly nourishes you.
Rule 4: Consistency is More Important Than Intensity.
Don’t aim to write a lot at once and then give up halfway. Spend three to five minutes a day, casually writing a line or two, and let it become a habit as automatic as brushing your teeth. Small, consistent efforts bring about the most profound changes.
Please, maintain a sense of normalcy about change.
This practice is not meant to instantly turn you into a positive, optimistic person. It’s more like a gentle soil improvement project on the hard, barren land of your inner world.
Every word you write each day is a drop of water, a ray of sunshine, a grain of organic fertilizer. You may not see a towering tree immediately, but if you persist, you will find that the texture of that land is quietly changing. It will become softer and more full of life, until one day, it can naturally grow its own flowers of “self-acceptance” and “inner peace.”
This diary is not to record how “great” you are, but to witness how you, step by step, learned to be “good” to yourself.
From Practice to Instinct—When Gentleness Becomes Your Inner Default Setting
That “Small Breakthroughs & Small Blessings” diary is a raft you built with your own hands to cross to the other shore.
But remember, our goal is not to stay on the raft forever, but to reach the other shore and walk freely there.
The other shore is the state where “gentleness” has become your inner default setting. There, self-care is no longer a task to be deliberately completed, but an instinct as natural as breathing.
The path from “deliberate practice” to “natural instinct” will reveal several wonderful transformations.
1. The Power of “Seeing”: From Deliberate Recording to Instant Awareness
In the early stages of the practice, you need to sit down at the end of the day and make an effort to “recall” and “search for” moments worth recording. This is an important start.
But as the practice deepens, your “awareness” muscle will grow stronger. You will find that the transformation begins to happen in the present moment.
- When you make a mistake, just as the harsh voice begins to emerge, another, gentler voice chimes in almost simultaneously: “It’s okay, let’s see what we can do.” You no longer need to wait until the evening to “fix” your emotions; in that very moment, you have already completed the “pause” and “comfort.”
- When you are walking down the street and a breeze blows by, you no longer pass through it unfeelingly. Instead, you will subconsciously and instantly feel: “Ah, this breeze feels so nice.” That “small blessing” is captured and absorbed by your heart on the spot.
- The diary transforms from a tool for “after-the-fact review” into a stamp of “instant confirmation.” You begin to have small, kind conversations with yourself in every moment of your life. You are evolving from being the “author of a diary” to the “master of your life.”
2. Embracing Setbacks: How to Turn “Failure” into Nourishment
On this path, you will almost certainly encounter “setbacks.”
There will be days when you are overwhelmed by stress and fatigue, completely forgetting the practice. The old “automatic attack” mode will make a comeback, leaving you deeply disappointed in yourself, and you might even think: “See, I knew I couldn’t do it. I can’t even stick with such a simple practice.”
At this moment, show yourself the ultimate gentleness, because this is the most crucial test of the entire practice.
That thought of “I’ve failed again” is precisely the “small breakthrough” material you most need to record!
When you pick up your pen again, you can write:
“For the past three days, I’ve been very harsh on myself, completely reverting to my old ways, and even forgot about the diary. I feel very frustrated about this. But, today I choose to forgive myself and have picked up this pen again. This decision to ‘come back’ is my biggest breakthrough today.”
See? You have transformed a seemingly “failed” experience into the most profound and powerful practice of self-compassion. You didn’t abandon the ship because you strayed off course; instead, you learned how to gently steer it back.
Every “setback,” as long as you choose to “come back,” will not weaken you. Instead, it will make your relationship with yourself more resilient and flexible.
3. The Ultimate Freedom: Reconciling with the Inner Critic
So, what is the end of this road? Is it the complete disappearance of the harsh “inner critic”?
No, the end is not to eliminate it, but to reconcile with it.
You will discover that the voice that once ruled you like a tyrant slowly loses its authority. It may still appear occasionally, whispering in your ear, but you are no longer its slave.
You learn to be like a wise elder looking at an anxious child. You will hear its worries (“You can’t mess this up!”), and then calmly say to it: “Thank you for the reminder, I know you care. But please trust me, I can handle this. And even if I can’t, it’s okay.”
You no longer need achievements to appease it, nor do you crumble under its accusations. You have reached a reconciliation with the sharpest part of yourself.
This reconciliation will bring you the ultimate freedom—the freedom to dare to try, to dare to make mistakes, to dare to be imperfect. Because your sense of self-worth is no longer built on the shifting sands of “meeting the standard,” but is deeply rooted in the solid ground of “I am worthy of existing just as I am.”
A Final Word: You Are Your Own Destination
This journey, which starts from “high expectations,” is not ultimately about reaching some “perfect” destination.
Its entire meaning lies in changing our posture “on the way.”
It teaches us that while chasing the stars, we can also gently embrace our tired, mistake-prone, imperfect selves. It helps us understand that the highest achievement in life is not to win the whole world, but to win peace with ourselves.
From this day forward, may you not only be the one who runs, but also the one who hands yourself a bottle of water and offers a word of “It’s okay, take your time,” your most faithful companion.
Because you no longer need an external achievement to prove your worth.
You, yourself, are the meaning of your existence and your final destination.